Listen in
Social lives are returning to normal! I recently had an incredible few days with family and friends and one of the first gatherings in a long time. So I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to remind myself how to be around people IRL and socialize. With the risk of sounding cheesy (a risk I shamelessly assume on a fairly frequent basis on this blog), I wanted to also remind myself how to make the most of those moments.
This desire for this week’s topic also coincides with daily reminders of how much of my professional role is reliant on managing people and emotions.
Before we dive into the importance of listening, let’s be a fun stoic and start with a worst case scenario, courtesy of SNL. We can improve conversations from that comically low bar.
Focus
‘People used to listen to one another while sitting on front porches and around campfires, but now we are too busy, or too distracted, to explore the depths of one another’s thoughts and feelings. (Kate Murphy, You’re not listening)
We’re quick to want someone to listen to us, and truly understand us. And not so quick to return the favour and listen ourselves. We need to pay attention, be genuinely curious about what the other person is saying, be patient in sharing our own opinions and be prepared to dig below the surface of a sentence. We also need to not check our notifications every 2 minutes while the other person is speaking.
Ugh..listening is hard
But it is worth it.
Kate Murphy makes a plea in her book ‘You’re not listening’, on the strength of the relationships that can be built when someone dedicates time to ‘get you’. She highlights the level of trust that is being built when we really listen, the type of insights that we could get about other people, and how listening can make us more creative and fulfilled. In a time of busyness and ubiquitous notifications, listening is no longer our default, sitting on porches with nothing to do. Listening becomes a skill that we need put in the work to cultivate. A summary here.
Be a partner in the conversation
Without any claims of having yet internalised this advice, some interesting pointers on the art of listening suggest that we need to:
Be considerate of our conversation partner
Maria Popova brings a 1866 book on politeness in conversation to the 21st century, blending etiquette advice with current communication patterns. She highlights an apt quote that is as true today as it was then:
The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence, than in the power to draw forth the resources of others.
Be more demanding on the quality of our conversations
I’ve always both admired and snarked at some people’s patience to talk for yet another time about the weather. But in reality, I also find myself doing that as well as a common ground topic with new people. The School of life suggests talking less about facts and more about feelings, and specifically inquiring more about your interlocutor’s feelings on a topic. Everyone wants to be listened to and the right questions can support them to open up.
Be intentional about the purpose of the conversation — Sometimes, we have a conversation for the conversation’s sake, and allow it to drift (recommended with a nice glass of wine). However, conversations can also be directed by the context that is built around them: how we arrange the room, the people who we invite, the prompts that we use and the structure that we impose. They all play a part in creating an environment where people feel listened to and eager to contribute. Priya Parker’s Art of Gathering elevates this advice to the level of art, and outlines how you can set the stage for remarkable conversations.
Be mindful of time — A recent study, summarised nicely both by Harvard Gazette and New Scientist indicates that conversations almost never end when the both parties wanted them to. Listening more closely could give us hints as to our partner’s willingness to carry on hearing about our story (and indicate to us when it’s time to stop talking and put them out of their misery).
Be quiet more - The Daily Stoic shares advice on the importance of silence in conversations and allowing for time to think and reflect. Stoics in general weren’t the most talkative bunch, but they emphasized reminding ourselves of our relative unimportance, and that can translate well both to 1:1 conversations and group settings.
Be truly curious
I wanted to focus on the personality that is Theodore Zeldin, who lives his own advice to be truly curious with such infectious passion.
He has spent a lifetime being curious about the truth in others and answering ‘Who are you’ instead of ‘Who am I’. The answer to ‘Who am I’ risks being boring, but never the one of ‘Who are you’. Everyone can be interesting if given the chance, and if we don’t give our conversation partner the chance to reveal that part of themselves, that’s on us.
His insights into the art of conversation and how we may have lost it develop on this idea, and are both a must-listen and must-read. For those days where you feel life could be a bit more poetic, he is sure to lift your spirits and encourage you to engage in hours-long meaningful debates with other beautiful souls.
Zeldin’s other touching book An intimate history of humanity shows him taking an interest in the lives and inner tribulations of regular people. Instead of charting history in events, he charts it in feelings. He wants to understand individuals deeply and does so by asking them the right questions and charting how people starting having interesting conversations. In that spirit, I think we should take the time to learn more about people around us.
N.B. Since starting this research I have become acutely and painfully aware of how little I listen in conversations. It’s weird to acknowledge, it’s a little humbling, but also very useful to know of and focus on. The feeling resembles a bit those moments when you’re walking confidently, become aware of your walking, trip over and realize you forgot how to walk. Something that I took for granted as natural seems to need re-evaluating and re-learning.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, so I’ll start small. This week I’ll make sure to truly focus on one personal and one professional conversation. You should do the same! I hear great things come of it.
